


Four Secrets Crowley Keeps From His Houseplants (And One They Keep From Him)

by HopeCoppice



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Existential Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2020-05-31 06:37:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19420489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HopeCoppice/pseuds/HopeCoppice
Summary: Crowley keeps many secrets from his houseplants. They have one too.





	Four Secrets Crowley Keeps From His Houseplants (And One They Keep From Him)

**Author's Note:**

> Someone on Tumblr was talking about Ineffable Houseplants and this just sort of happened.
> 
> (Third Good Omens fic in 48 hours, apologies if it's slightly ridiculous)

The first, and perhaps the most important, secret Crowley keeps from his current crop of houseplants is that his flat  _ does not actually contain a garbage disposal unit _ . What it does contain is one of those customisable doorbells, the ones you can record your own sound on, and that doorbell plays a sound he found on the internet. The sound of a garbage disposal at work.

The second, of course, and nearly as important, is that since he doesn’t have a garbage disposal there’s no question of him putting a plant down it. When he notices a spot on a plant, he simply moves it to another room so that if whatever is wrong with it is contagious, it can’t infect the others, and then he takes care of it. Sometimes, if a plant needs more love than he can possibly give it, he takes it round to the bookshop and leaves it there for a few days, but never more than that - the angel spreads love wherever he goes, but he’s useless when it comes to things like remembering to water plants. When he steals it back, he swears it to secrecy and introduces it to its companions anew, as if it is a completely different plant, and maybe in some ways it is. The other plants never seem to catch on, at any rate. They have short memories.

The third secret Crowley keeps from his plants is a trivial thing, really, not worth bothering them with. It’s that he knows how it feels to be found wanting, to be torn to shreds as an example to others, and while making an example seems to work - when was the last time an angel actually  _ fell, _ after all? - he wouldn’t wish  _ being  _ the example on his worst enemy, let alone any of his beloved plants. So he carries them away, and he presses the doorbell to trigger the sound, and he miracles up an empty pot to show the rest. And then, when the healthy plants are good and frightened, he goes back and cares for the ones who’ve tried something different and had it blow up in their faces.  _ His  _ plants, the ones that reflect his own failures, the ones he can’t bring himself to hate for it. 

He’s not an angel; he’s not  _ supposed  _ to go around loving things. But he does love his plants. That’s a secret, too.

* * *

The plants have only one secret from Crowley, and it is that he is not very good at keeping secrets.


End file.
